When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
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I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.