[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
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[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?