how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.