how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
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The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too