How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere