How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
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extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
constantly working on myself.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify