How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
he chose this
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I believe the plural is “milves.”
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?