Would you wear it?
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.