@Tharin_P: How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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@graceful_asfuck: [Burger Lounge] Server: Are you 27? Me: OMG NO I'M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY Server: I meant your order number, ma'am.
@weinerdog4life: The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
@C_A_Guardiola: Twitter mobile app is still showing stars not hearts so I'm going to stay on here like those violinists at the end of Titanic.
@Dustinkcouch: Whenever my girlfriend doesn't eat her dinner, I remind her that there are starving kids in Africa, and that she'll never be that skinny.