How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
The news
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.