How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
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Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Science memes
There’s no “u” in narcissist