“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.