“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?