“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
You Might Also Like
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
couldn’t resist
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why