How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
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[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”