How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
You Might Also Like
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”