How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
the three branches of government
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her