Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
You Might Also Like
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Rooting for the overdog
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
A customer told me they were never coming back….
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*