[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
these two trucks have the same bed length
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’