[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
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Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
LOOOOOOL
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Air conditioning – not a fan