How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
You Might Also Like
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
One venti cheeseburger please.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?