How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.