How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.