How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.