#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
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Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
We’ve all been there
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.