I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
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“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Hot Hot Hot
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.