@Kim_pulsive: How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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@ibid78: 🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶
@CollegeHumorLol: When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".
@Sarcasticsapien: I'm done congratulating people for having babies. Parents have been getting praise for having sex incorrectly for way too long.
@cwhudson: [at a loud bar] HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS? HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS