How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
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Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody