How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
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I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?