How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
You Might Also Like
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”