I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
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Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Why soy sad?
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.