How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
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My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
same energy
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.