[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
🤣🤣🤣
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.