Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”