The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
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I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk