lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
When you try jalapeños for the first time
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.