How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
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I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.