How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
I’d … I’d rather not.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
New menu item
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.