How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
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*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir