Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Good boy 😂😂
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin