How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
me working on my assignments ^-^
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move