HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
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I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.