How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
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Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?