I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
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so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Generation gap…
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.