How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
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Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks