How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?