“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell