My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
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My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!