how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
accurate
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
when revenge coincides with naptime
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry