How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
*pronounces fake like saké*
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.