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@FeelingMervis: HOW TO BECOME A CRAZY CAT LADY:
1) Get a cat.
@Swishergirl24: Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
@geraintgriffith: "This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing."
"What's that Sarge?"
"Someone's building a pig."
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
@SteveSuckington: First date:
[ok, don't let her know you're a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*