I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
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No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
A fake ID that makes you younger
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”