@ChickenColeman: How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
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@mompsychologist: 5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would "have a piece of cheese and calm down" So, yeah, she's mine.
@rolldiggity: I fill my pockets with glitter so when people ask me for money, I can turn them out to show that I'm broke, but still a little fancy.
@Reverend_Scott: You excited to watch the Super Bowl? "Ya, but only cuz the commercials." [sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
@rudetanks: The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything