@ChickenColeman: How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE
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@2tonbug: "Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
@TeaAndCopy: Me: Excuse me, where's the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: … Employee: … Me: Or you'll what?
@bellicosejason: A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.