Wise advice
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Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Always leave them wanting their money back.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?