Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
This kinda thing happens to me often
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Don’t touch that.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Some people were born into their job.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?